Journal 1

On the plane to China…

So… I don’t really even know where to start. How often have I begun an entry with that? I’m not sure it’s ever been more appropriate. …Maybe… maybe when I heard about Mom. But certainly not before then.

Of course, it would’ve helped if I’d sat down to do this days ago. That’s what I get for not keeping my journal in my purse. You’d think I’d learn.

I think I may be more lost in all this than I was even after hearing about Mom. Of course, then they were keeping me half drugged up in the hospital… and so much of this is tied up with her… and with Zach and… well, it’s hard to keep it all separate, really. I thought my life was already upside-down, Lord. Did it have to go inside-out, now, as well?

It does feel like that, to the extent that it feels like anything. I don’t know, I think I’ve only remained functional by… holding everything at a distance, putting off processing through it. On some level, I think I’ve been telling myself I’d wait until… well, until I had a chance to journal :-p. And now that it comes to it, I think on some level I’m afraid to do it at all. I mean, really, how many things are there to deal with? Heh, maybe there’s a place to start: let’s just try to list the utter insanity of the last few days… or months. The insanity all kinda begins to blend together after a while…

1) Mom and I are in an accident that puts me in a coma for three days and rehab for two months.
2) When I wake up from the three day coma, I find out that I was the only one they pulled from the wreck: Mom was missing, and everyone except Dad seems to take it as a matter of course that she’s dead. And Dad’s so beside himself, he kinda seems paralyzed. Maybe I am, too, for that matter. Maybe I am still.
3) I finally go back to work, and on my first day back, my first flight is hijacked.
4) This can’t possibly a normal hijacking, like, say, by terrorists. Oooooh, no. This has to be the attack of the Tolkien convention. A fight between elves and goblins and dragons. Because what kind of welcome-back hijacking would it be without them?
5) I get to follow up these experiences by an interview with a talking dog. After all, why not throw in something normal, just as a change of pace?
6) Oh, by the way, Mom was an elf. …I don’t think I can handle commenting on that further, right now.
7) I get to see two dragons as dragons. The natural sequel to an interview with a talking dog.
8) Zach… no. I don’t think I can handle that, at the moment, either.
9) And, well… now I’m on a plane to China. Who cares why, really? I’m tagging along with the (good) elf and the two dragons. That’s not as weird as it sounds considering that- oh, yeah:
10) I’m a half-elf. Natural consequence of Mom being an elf, I suppose.

Not that I even know what that means. What is it to be an elf? How is that different from being human? What does an elf even LOOK like? I’ve never seen one… well, not one that look anything other than human, at least. I’m just so… in over my head, lost, out to sea.

Then again, I don’t really know what any of this means. It’s all just so impossible… and yet here I am, journaling in the middle of it. Lord, I thought I’d reached my limit with the accident, and Mom and… oh, I thought everything had already fallen apart. But now my whole definition of reality, too? What am I supposed to do with all this? Back after the accident, there was this one song – I latched onto it because of the car imagery. And I journaled about it back then. But… it’s even more appropriate, now, and I think I need to go through it again. I am glad, Lord, that You don’t seem to mind reviewing with us. So… here goes:

“Prove it” – Out of the Grey

It all rushes past so fast
My grip is tight, my lips white
This heart is steady but it’s always ready to brake
Don’t know how much I could take

Yes, I am just exactly this overwhelmed. I think I’m numb to it – hardly feeling it at the moment – but it’s there underneath everything. I may seem okay, but Oh, Lord, I’m on the edge of crumbling.

So I stay on my side hugging the shoulder
Stare down the double line
Wondering what would dare, dare to cross over

What would dare, indeed? What from beyond possibility and reality and all sense of reason? It’s all become very daring… but not me. I don’t feel daring at all.

I said I trust You and I do believe I do
Oh Lord, but must You ask me to prove it to You
I said I love You and I know it’s true, I really do
Oh Lord, but please don’t ask me to prove it to You

Here I am. Here’s my cry. I do trust You. I do Love You. But I’m along for the ride, and I don’t know what to do with all this. Abba, I’m scared.

Leading your love up a dead end slope
Losing a life without losing hope
Could I break the boundary between word and deed
Take that narrow road but let someone else take the wheel

“Losing a life without losing hope.” This line has always made me think of… being a living sacrifice, I guess. I died, and it is Christ Who lives in me. Please do help me to “break the boundary between word and deed” here. I suppose… if it really is Your life, it doesn’t really matter what You take me into, as long as You’re the One bringing me through it.

chorus again…

Heart in my throat, I grab at the answers
As I choke back the possibilities, I know
I know I’ve got to let go

I’m here, too, Lord. There are more possibilities than I ever thought, and fewer answers than I’m comfortable with. Help me let go.

I trust You, I really do
Oh Lord, but must You ask me to prove it, prove it
I said I love You and I know it’s true, I know its true
Oh Lord, I just don’t want to have to prove it, prove it

Perhaps the only thing I’ve always kinda disliked about this song is that this is where it wound up. It concludes where it begins; it states the problem, and in a way it states the conclusion, or at least the progress, but it ends back in the problem again. And yet… I AM still in the problem. Please, please do bring me through it.

Journal 1

Red King's Command Wayfarer